We are back in the company of our yearly reunion.  For the last four years we have been welcomed into a great group of friends who meet in a beautiful home in the north Georgia hills.  This bunch of wonderful people are fun and fearless.  Every year we spend the darkest week of the year together.  We take turns cooking great food,  we hike in the woods, stoke the fire, play all kinds of creative games, but most of all we talk about the year to come and the year that's been.  I am feeling better already after the conversations I've had so far.  

I came here feeling sort of frustrated and not knowing why.  I have been writing a bunch of sarcastic songs lately, and that usually means that I'm blaming others and afraid to face what is.  A string of sarcastic songs usually means that I am avoiding what is happening in my own heart.  I get busy being clever and I enjoy crafting my anger into little musical weapons, but when I ask myself who these songs are really for, I have to admit that they are only good for venting my frustration. At the time, though, I forget what it feels like to hear a song like this.  I start thinking that I can be a complex artist like Randy Newman with my new ironic twist.  

"Killer songs!"

"Yeah, get 'em Dave!"  

I recorded a few versions of these new songs, but I haven't had the nerve to put them on my site yet.  Maybe I should have a separate corner of the site that contains the songs of my evil twin, the insensitive singer songwriter.

Maybe, in the right setting, these songs could be good for a laugh.  It would be like the Colbert Report, people would know not to take them at face value.  The only problem I'm having with these songs is how to sing them. I tried singing them with raised eyebrows and exaggerated caricature, but then I thought they would work better if I just sing them sincerely from the point of view of the persona that I disagree with.  When I do that, thought, they  sound too sincere.  Sorta scary because the songs are believable enough that I'm sure many people wouldn't know that I'm kidding.  I need an irony alert.  

Maybe it would be best to just keep the nasty stuff under wraps and get to the vibe I really want to give.  But to do that requires dealing with the stuff I'm ashamed of.  It has been a year since I recorded OPEN HAND and I have been feeling like it didn't do what I hoped it would. It didn't change the world after all.  Did I really think it would?  Well, not logically, but I must have dreamed it at some level, because why else I would feel like a failure?

I start thinking, maybe I should just keep these songs to myself.  I got nothing.  Give it up. Blah blah, you know how it goes. Jay Smooth calls this the little hater in his head.  Do you know about the video blog Ill Doctrine?  Oh, that's what I want to do when I grow up. He is so fierce with the truth and brave with his kindness.

Anyway, all that noise just drowns out the new songs that are drifting in on the wind trying to come in.  But after just a day of being here with these friends, already I can feel the joy of music coming back strong.  I get sane so quickly when I dare to walk right into the scary cave of doubt and shine a light around. How do you do that?  Just dare to talk about the stuff that you could never talk about.  Those negative voices sure can make a racket as long as they are in the dark, but they dissapear like shadows in the light.